Breaking the Ice

Twenty-seven years ago a young couple from Tennessee were expecting their first child. The pregnancy was rough, but through long-suffering and countless prayers from devout grandparents, a baby boy was born to them in the Summer of 1995. Unlike his parents, he was born with hair like copper wire, just as his father's mother had told them it would be. Following his birth he was plagued by a blockage in his stomach that threatened to kill him without surgery. The day before the surgery the hospital staff had screened the child and located the blockage; however, the day of the surgery his mother's mother was there and was praying over the infant. She said she felt something change, and she begged the hospital staff to screen him again before the surgery began. By some miracle the blockage was nowhere in sight. The attending doctor was baffled, exclaiming that a blockage like that disappearing within twenty-four hours could only be described as a miracle. 

I'm not asking anyone to believe these things happened, for I know they're hard to believe. I'm the baby boy described above, and I find them hard to believe.

My name is Alexander Francisco, but everyone calls me Alex. I'm currently twenty-six years old and still living in Tennessee. I'm a member of the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod (LCMS), confirmed on October 27, 2019. I was not born a Lutheran, and I do not consider myself a very good Lutheran. In the wake of COVID-19 plaguing the world, my sinful apathy and laziness led to me not attending church nor watching services online. I began to consider myself Agnostic, and that lasted until the beginning of the Advent season of 2021. So while I have been a member for a couple of years now, believe me when I say I am an infant in the world of Lutheranism.

Before coming into the Lutheran church, I was a Reformed Baptist, and I confessed Calvinism as the highest order of truth. Double-Predestination was the Gospel to me, and those who weren't on board with it were potentially in mortal peril. After two years in the Reformed world, I began to feel as if I was the one in mortal peril. My sin was constant and willful. I would repent, but I'd be back to lap up my vomit by the end of the week. I was a great sinner, and I am a great sinner still; however, under the Reformed traditions, I could not manage to find grace and peace. Assurance was impossible to find, so I left the Reformed tradition, and considered myself Agnostic. You'll notice that there is a pattern emerging.

I must admit that I was not born Reformed either. I was born a Baptist in the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC), I was baptized under that banner at eight years old after an emotional experience at Vacation Bible School where I was fully convinced that I was going to hell. I cannot remember the day of my baptism, and sometimes I worry about it's validity since that church hasn't returned my emails about my records. However, that's a story for another time. I'll simply summarize the SBC period of my life. Growing up in this tradition would be a gracious way to put it. Dad's side of the family was Pentecostal, and Mom's was Methodists gone Baptist because "they're basically the same." Maybe that statement will show you that my family gave me an inheritence of religious ignorance. We were not a line of theologically literate people, and that came to a head when I was sixteen years old telling my mom that I didn't know if I believed in God anymore. She cried, and she couldn't do much for me. Her tears scared me, so I just told her I believed and we moved on. That was the first moment of doubt I ever expressed, and the reaction to it was enough to keep me from ever sharing it again; however, it's something that brewed in me for a while. I imagine that's why I've continually find myself slipping into Agnosticism as a default position.

Currently I am attending church again at my Lutheran church, and I'm doing all that I can to keep the faith and be a better Lutheran. God knows I'm not a good one, but maybe he will get me there before I leave this life. That's what this blog is about, me rambling about my struggling faith and hoping that God is sorting it out despite my weakness. I don't truly have an audience in mind, and I don't plan on trying to turn this blog into a masterpiece of composition. This is something from my heart that's struggling to get out, so it'll take a humble form since the strength isn't there to make it handsome or powerful.

I hope that this blog is at least helpful for those who don't consider themselves good Lutherans or, speaking broadly, good Christians. Perhaps it'll help others know that someone can synpathize and understand, for I am not that Christian who was catechized in the faith from a young age. In fact, a survey of my entire life will testify that I resembled a godless heathen much more so than one born to Christian parents. Even now my behavior may suggest the same, but I hope by God's grace He transforms me, bit by bit, each day.

Thank you to anyone who decided to read this. I hope to post here at least once a week, but you may also come yo realize I lack the discipline required to maintain a habit as simple as that.

Until next time!

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

Comments

  1. I am so glad that you started your blog. There are plenty of Lutheran pastors who do this, but it's important for Lutheran laymen and women to share their thoughts and experiences.

    Why is this?

    It's because the art of living by faith is a very difficult lesson to master. It must be relearned each and every day. Some of my best teachers in the school of faith have been ordinary men and women who have kept the faith in good times and in bad.

    Each of us can benefit from what Luther described as the mutual conversation and consolation of the saints.

    I plan on sharing your post: "Not So Fast: A Lesson for Lent" with my congregation. It's a great reminder for this holy, but dangerous, season of the Church Year.

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    Replies
    1. Your words are very encouraging, Brian, thank you. I hope that the blog will serve others well, and I just need to remember to exercise humility and honesty.
      I'd love to see more blogs from the laity, but I think what holds so many back is the fear of saying something wrong or incorrect. For others it may be that they don't think they have anything worth sharing, which is where Luther is absolutely right. We should be encouraging each other to speak clearly and honestly with other Christians for the sake of everyone's benefit.

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