No More Gnosis

Anyone who follows me on Twitter or on this blog may be aware that I have had an extended and unannounced leave of absence from my church. Why did I decide to stop attending? I wish I had a good answer. My doubts were no greater than they usually were. Maybe my minuscule reservoir of will power was dried up, getting out of bed to keep up with prayers and church was just too much trouble. Certainly, that feels the most true. At the same time I stopped attending church, I noticed that my at-home devotions were almost instantly cut down to nothing.

Does it all boil down to a lack of discipline and will? Perhaps it is that simple. I'm perfectly aware of how little self-control I have, and I know that very often my temptation is to drop all devotion and Christian practice, sometimes dropping the faith altogether. Why am I like that? I honestly don't know; however, I think that human desire to dissect this issue and break the problem down into small parts for analysis is a moral distraction for myself.

Allow me to clarify that term, "moral distraction." I'd be willing to say that almost anyone asked about my course of action, questioning and breaking down that issue into smaller parts, would say it's a good way to go about it. I imagine most would tell me it's a great way to find what is going wrong with me and begin working to fix it. Well, I believe I'm going to mark myself as a member of the minority. I've spent the better part of this last decade relentlessly analyzing myself. It's a miracle I haven't destroyed my inner-world by so often tearing it apart to identify every element and atom, all in the name of understanding. It feels like the right thing to do, to go chasing my tail as if some dog, trying to finally seize myself and interrogate him until I discover what I truly am. That is the moral distraction, that activity that achieves nothing of great value while it appears as an admirable virtue.

I think it is high-time to remove this moral distraction from my life. The simplest and clearest understanding of the matter is the best one to have. On this side of eternity, I live in a state where my sinful flesh and evil spirits have a degree of influence over my thoughts and feelings. This brings me to the title of this post. Too often I am trying to peer deep into myself and ascertain some secret or hidden knowledge about myself that will magically solve all of my spiritual problems. All this behavior amounts to is looking for salvation within myself.

I am unwell, and I need the Great Physician. I will not find the healing I need in myself, nor will anyone else find it within themselves. May we always encourage one another to look towards God for our continued salvation.

Until next time.

"Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"