The Bad Lutheran

It's been some time since I have convinced myself to write anything here. I know that most who read this blog are dedicated Lutherans, so it's no surprise that whenever my faith is especially weak, arguably dead, I find exposing myself to a faithful community difficult. That would also explain why I have not attended church in so long. In the interest of building up the reputation of honesty that has seemingly become the cornerstone of this blog, I must say that I have become something of a recluse when it comes to the religious. I have avoided calls from my church and stopped posting where I interact with other Christians. I am not proud of it, and I wish I could say it was the first time; however, I must admit that it is something of a habit for me. Faith has never been something to settle well with me long term, so I always end up in a place where I run from it, flee from God and anyone who loves Him.

It's no surprise to those close to me, as I am helplessly prone to self-destructive tendencies. I seem the kind of man who's incapable of allowing himself to be at peace in life. When things are going well, it's as if something wells up in me that demands I throw it all away. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I pray too little. Maybe every part of me is horrible maligned with the true, the good, and the beautiful. In all honesty, I couldn't tell you what it is. I don't know what's wrong with me. Certainly it can all be chalked up to sin, but everyone sins. Sinning is as easy as breathing, but that doesn't keep the Christians I know from being Christian. They repent, continue to practice, and they move on. They are faithful.

Faith is one of the most important things to the Christian. Some people have so much faith that they've never known a day of doubt. So many people seem to believe so easily. It comes to them naturally, as a gift from God Himself. For whatever reason, I did not receive this gift. Faith in God, for me, feels like it is the most impossible thing. When I am trying to live as a Christian, things are fine for a few months, but there comes a point where I fall apart. It is as if I just can't do it anymore. I can't summon up the will to pray or read, to worship, to love God. It reaches a point where I wonder if I ever even wanted to do any of them in the first place or if I was just trying to play Christian the way I feel I am supposed to.

It's not so much that I am making a move for pity or being needlessly self-deprecating, but I must admit that I am a bad Lutheran, a bad Christian. More of my life is spent doubting God than it is trusting Him. The only faith I can bring to the table comes in microscopic moments where I can only say to myself, maybe to God, "There is no way that He can love me. There is no way He can save me.... But I really hope He does and He will."

I think a lot of people I know wouldn't call that faith at all, but I just hope against all hope that a mustard seed of faith can be much smaller than most tend to consider it.

I know I want to write more. I know that I want to revise this post, but I feel dried up. I just need to post it and get it off my chest. This is the best I can do.